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  • Ian Marcus Wright

Tories recommend selling one of your racehorses to ease the cost of living

In an effort to fight accusations of being out of touch, Michael Gove has laid out ideas to aid people struggling with accelerating energy bills and food prices.

These include downsizing your number of thoroughbred racehorses as most individuals won’t see a huge increase in return after the first six, and why would you need more than that to pull your carriage anyway?

Other advice includes assessing whether you really need a spare butler, deciding if it’s prudent to insist on using firewood cut from 28th century frigates and only keeping one ornate silver dagger for stabbing your political comrades in the back.

When asked for comment there was a delay in getting a response as Gove explained he had fired his “phone woman” out of solidarity with the working class.

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