After adopting the Conservative's Take Back Control motto, Starmer has promised to be a more liberal, relaxed and left wing British conservative.
This follows other policies such as retaining strict immigration, blanket ban on Scottish independence, not making any plans to rejoin the EU and creating a state British power company that doesn't generate power but trades and sells energy stock options.
"We're quite excited about that last one," said an animated Starmer. "It means that when the cost of heating bills is really rooking your gran, we make money. Genius stuff. Truly what the party of Kier Hardie was founded on. Hey, that's like my name!"
"We said we'd abolish the House of Lords, but I'm already a knight, so if they offer me a peerage I might just tuck that one away and hope everyone forgets."
At press time Starmer was seen trying to come up with a children's mascot to explain why oil companies are our friend.