The increasing potential of a Westminster Labour government has caused shockwaves across the Scottish political landscape, says the current Scottish Labour Leader, unknown.
'Gone are the days of our party being little more than a reflection of the greater British political picture,' said the forgettable leader, while attributing their success to Starmer's.
'The hegemony of the SNP is at an end,' they continued. (We want to say Smith? Smythe?) 'A revolution is at hand, and we cannot wait to lead Scotland into whatever future our southern masters dictate for us.'
Following this exchange, the anonymous leader expressed frustration that passport applications didn't allow question marks in name fields.