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  • Ian Marcus Wright

SNP launches snap referendum before Gray inquiry finishes

In a move to secure a strong Yes majority, the Scottish National Party are rushing to hold an independence referendum next Tuesday.

"It would be sooner, but we have to edit all the merch that had 'Indy 2023' written on it," explained a party spokesman. "We're going to stand outside Westminster and shout our policies at the office windows in front of a phone, and then we can say we had a debate too."

Interns for the party were seen running through the streets posting hastily written single-sheet white papers through doors across the country. "We have to hurry," said one breathless volunteer. "BoJo could resign at any moment and he's done more for the cause than bloody Braveheart."

To speed things up, the SNP has announced that anyone with a Kindle account who has bought two or more Irvine Welsh books is automatically registered as a Yes voter while anyone with five or more JK Rowling books will be deported.

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