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  • Ian Marcus Wright

PM urges caution as Glaswegians set to replace blood entirely with alcohol

As Scotland prepares to follow England in easing restrictions on pubs, locals in Glasgow have been planning in their own way.

"I've been drinking and holding six pints of water at a time, " explains Thomas Baldwin from Southside. "Really need to extend the stomach and retrain the bladder. Haven't had to compete for a toilet with forty other people for a while now."

"I hope they haven't added a bunch of new wanky beer types" added Owen Barfield, Partick. "I was a month behind on that whole craft beer thing and it was murder. Couldn't just say 'pint of lager' anymore without the guy giving me an encyclopedia."

In response to the coming easement of restrictions, NHS Greater Glasgow and Clyde are selling off ventilators for stomach pumps and talking every terminal patient into donating their liver.

Experts at Holyrood reckon the pubs will be open for approximately twenty minutes before the resulting damage has everything shutting for another year.

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