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  • Ian Marcus Wright

Man with forest's worth of toilet paper snarks about people panic buying petrol

Local man David Cockburn watched the news about the petrol scare with an air of haughty dismay.

"The worst part is, these idiots are creating the shortage that they fear," he explained without request. He then took a sip of tea before dabbing his lips with what looked at first like a napkin, but was clearly toilet paper as it broke up on contact with moisture.

"It must be sad, to be so compelled by your own anxieties," he mused, idly straightening out the several sheets of toilet paper that were ineffectively used as coasters on the table.

He tried to hide a startled reaction at the sound of a door opening in the house and several items falling and rolling on the floor.

"Excuse me," mumbled Cockburn, before stepping outwith the living room and desperately stuffing four tons of Tesco Extra Soft back into the cupboard.

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