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  • Ian Marcus Wright

Gove sharpens knives in glee as new Tory leadership contest looms

Sources close to Gove report the sound of metal scraping an excited muttering emanating from within his office.

"It's like he just woke up from a years-long stupor," reported an anonymous aide. "The possibility of betrayal and backstabbing just energizes him."

Political analysts are stumped by how Gove's apparent belief in himself as a beloved politician with leadership potential could possibly pair with his record of Brutus cosplay in the leadership arena.

"It's never worked for him," explained analyst John Dumbreck. "Last time we were here he took Boris down with him and that got us May. You have to question the sanity of a person who has to pull their own knife from their back just to give it another go."

In a Strathclyde poll of potential new Tory leaders (assuming Boris ever gains the self-awareness to stand down), Michael Gove didn't appear in the top 20 and the top choice was Giovanni van Bronckhorst.

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