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  • Ian Marcus Wright

Glasgow City Council to replace bins with three goats per tenement

Glasgow City Council have unveiled plans to convert all household waste from tenement flats into re-usable compost.

"Glasgow was once the European City of Culture," said councillor Dugald Stewart. "We plan to expand on this idea, but like, a city from a seedy eastern European country. Russia adjacent. You know, the kind of place you'd see a goat on the street and think, 'yeah, that fits.'".

Stewart has not responded to accusations that this scheme was introduced as he is a shareholder in a goat farm outside Glasgow, which has been granted an exclusive contract to supply the livestock.

The three goats are to be fed separate diets of discarded food, recyclable material and general waste. They shall be painted the colour of the bins they are replacing.

At the time of writing, eight blue goats from the trial programme have been kidnapped by the Union Bears for use as mascots and two brown goats have died after ingesting discarded ketamine.

"It was horrific," said a resident from the pilot tenement in Shettleston. "They scream like people."

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