With the threat of conflict escalating in the Ukraine, the Prime Minister has confirmed his commitment to confronting Putin head on, pending his permission, of course.
"Remember the fabled Trump pee tape? That’s nothing," confided a cabinet source. "Think of the things we know Boris has done… just imagine what he’s actually capable of feeling shame about. "
The Russian practice of kompromat has plagued Eastern Europe for decades, but only recently has its tentacles been suspected in the British and US seats of power. Indeed, how many high rises in London are owned by Russian oligarchs? How far down the Tory donor list do you have to go to hit a Moscow postcode?
"I'm not saying that when we were on the Brexit bus together that some Russian investors pumped us full of drugs and we don’t remember where we went, what we did and how many pictures were taken. But hey, you can’t deny what you can’t remember, right?" continued the source. "Also, remove that bit about the Brexit bus, we can’t have anyone work out that I’m Michael Gove."