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  • Ian Marcus Wright

A Tory's Guide to Blackmailing the PM

Like cryptocurrency, the value of dirt on Boris Johnson is subject to change at a moment's notice. Here is a brief overview of what you can expect to get for your particular proof of misdeeds -

1. Racially insensitive language

Jog on, this hasn't even slowed him down. If anything he gets a boost in the polls from the UKIP mob.

2. Texts sent between the prime minister and a female staffer

Generally £10,000 - £15,000 depending on how often he uses the word 'saucy.'

3. What really happened at the Johnson's domestic back then

This one may have aged like milk, unfortunately. If it won't rile up the Daily Mail readers (and wife-beating is a cherished tradition for them), I'm afraid the time to cash that one in was years ago.

4. Proof that news of Johnson's new child is just using pictures of the last one

The timing of the new baby in the middle of the Conservative party meltdown is either unfortunate, or a disastrous attempt to change the story. If you have evidence the child doesn't actually exist, this could be worth between £35,000 - £45,000 if you jump on it quickly. He has a lot of children already, so the public will lose count soon.

5. A photograph of Boris at the 2020 Downing Street Christmas Party

If you play it right, senior advisor role and your future choice of cabinet position, assuming you can get a parliamentary seat in a racist stronghold.

6. A photograph of Boris at the 2020 Downing Street Christmas Party with his shirt off


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