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  • Ian Marcus Wright

UEFA threatens fines if players breathe unsponsored air

Following players removing sponsors' bottles during press conferences, UEFA have threatened to introduce fines if they move them, disparage their corporate overlords, or breathe from anything other than their Coca Cola branded oxygen tanks.

The players are also now encouraged to duck under the desk for the course of their interview, to allow greater visibility of the brands in the background.

Veteran fans will recall a similar scandal during the Colgate cup in which an epidemic of gingivitis spread through the teams who had contractually agreed to only brush their teeth with Colgate Total, only for shipments of the toothpaste to be delayed.

Asked whether draconian sponsors are getting increasingly invasive in the beautiful game, a UEFA spokesman replied with "This sharp retort is brought to you by Gillette."

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