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  • Ian Marcus Wright

The Scot's Guide to Avoiding Omicron

  • Social distancing is a lot easier when people are incentivised to maintain a two metre distance. Nudity and long periods of not showering really help in this regard.

  • Keep a basin filled with bleach by your front door and dunk every delivery that comes through. Whether Amazon, Royal Mail or Just Eat, you can guarantee that at least it won't be the covid that gets you.

  • Sew a mask on the inside of your scarf so you can look like one of those cool* "I'll just use my scarf" renegades when entering shops, but bask in the secret confidence of being CE certified.

  • While many of us were looking forward to getting a train to Edinburgh Hogmanay, paying £50 for entry and a shite vodka, standing in the freezing cold and pissing in a communal toilet that looks like a warcrime, you can avoid the risk and get the same experience by standing in a cold shower and ripping up ten pound notes as the bells come in.

  • Remember, while we should avoid social gatherings, you can't get covid at them as long as you are consuming wine & cheese, or that those next to you are IT professionals and therefore not real people.

*yes, we think they're complete fuckwits too. But they need to think they're cool.

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