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Sunak: see no BJ, hear no BJ

In an apparently unprompted press release, Chancellor Rishi Sunak has announced that the fence between number 10 and his home in number 11 Downing Street is ‘high, thick, and soundproof’ and that good British regard for discretion prevents him from ever stopping by.

"Yes, it does seem that as the weeks roll on, it is clear that the prime minister was hosting an average of two parties per day throughout the multiple lockdown periods," continued the statement. "And yes, it beggars belief that despite living in the same building, I haven't yet been a proven attendee at any of them, never mind be aware they were happening. But like I said before, the hedge thing, and also I have some great noise cancelling headphones. Top of the line. Didn't hear them at all."

It seemed of vital importance to the Chancellor that the attendant press and passing public took note of the date and time of his statement.

When asked if he is saying this to cement his viability as a future leader in a possible upcoming leadership election, Sunak denied the claim and says he has “full confidence in the drunken, whoring, lying bastard Johnson”.

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