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  • Ian Marcus Wright

Scotland at the Euros (in Scotland)

Fans are excitedly anticipating the start of Euro 2020 this week, despite it being 2021. Steve Clarke’s gallant Scots have been drawn to play England, Croatia and Czech Republic in the group stage. Reports suggest a majority of Glaswegians cannot tell the difference between the latter two nations. This is despite Ally McCoist’s typically helpful contribution in noting that Croatia play in red and white, whereas the Czechs play in white and red.

The potential for a mix-up is not taken lightly by those planning to boo the Czech Republic due to the racist abuse of Rangers footballer Glenn Kamara by a Czech player in a Europa League tie earlier this year. After heated debate, woke Twitter users who probably won’t attend the game anyway finally agreed to settle the concern by booing every side for racism to be safe.

When asked for comment, Andy Walker said right-minded fans ‘will want to make the Croats pay for this transgression by that fool from Sparta Paris.'

Michael Stewart agreed with the sentiment, quoted as saying ‘I assume Andy means Czech Republic and Slavia Praha, and he’s absolutely right. Fans will be right to boo, and personally I look forward to hearing Rangers fans abusing a team other than Scotland.’

Sky Sports have moved to overcome their perceived England-bias by running a 6-part programme featuring a Scotland player per episode, with Andy Robertson, Kieran Tierney, Stuart Armstrong, John McGinn, Scott McTominay, and Billy Gilmour profiled for an hour each.

Viewers will be treated to exclusive and seemingly impossible facts, such as Robertson’s time at Queens Park and Gilmour having no criminal record despite being from Ardrossan.

A Sky spokesperson said ’This programme underlines that Scotland-shire is a critical part of our strategy - just listen to Jock McGinn. Fans from the east of Glasgow to the south of Glasgow can rest assured that we take the whole county seriously.’

Aside from the players profiled, Sky pundit and Scot Charlie Nicholas could only manage ’Nicholas Charlie’ when challenged to name the full Scotland squad after sitting in strained contemplation for several minutes.

Fortunately, Scotland fans have at least been buoyed by the performances of Rangers starlet Nathan Patterson. This marks a miraculous recovery in public opinion for a player who infamously attended a party during lockdown. Celebrating his contribution against Luxembourg and his newfound popularity, Patterson has generously thrown a thousand-strong ‘empty’ in Govan. Patterson is even reported to have even flown in Nepalese chicken for the occasion. For reasons yet to become clear, the crowds then congregated in George Square, via every Catholic Church within a 5 mile radius.

Elsewhere, the Metropolitan Police have issued a plea to Scots not to cross the border for their clash against The Auld Enemy next Friday, with Northumberland police seen manning Hadrian’s wall and on the lookout for a so-called Army of Tartan. Members of the Scots Wa Hae society in London have already occupied the Wembley Way in advance of the fixture, despite a number of members being arrested in relation to a series of muggings outside the ticket office.

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