"Whatever the inquiry discovers about 2020, I can categorically assure the British public that no such gathering has taken place at Downing Street this year," claimed Boris Johnson in Parliament, while still wearing a brightly coloured party hat and unaware of a donkey's tail pinned to his shoulder.
"Integrity matters to this party," continued Johnson, smelling faintly of mulled wine and Christmas cake, "and I will always be open and honest about what has and hasn't happened."
As he sat down upon finishing his remarks, the torn remains of several Christmas crackers and assorted presents within tumbled out of his pockets onto the Parliament floor.