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Boris: I won't impale Vlad

PM denies plotting pre-emptive attack on Russia over Ukraine crisis to distract public from much-anticipated Sue Gray report on 'Partygate'




Mr Johnson told reporters: ’Firstly, I would like to clarify that if we do invade Russia, they already had it coming. Because of communism, and all sorts of things like that. Like the empire, we must strike back. Besides, Ms Gray was being considered for the position to replace whoever that guy was that just resigned over Covid or something, which to my mind created an unacceptable conflict of interest. Everyone important agreed it was best that she be stood down. A shame really, she didn't get the job. Anyway, the public may rest assured that accountability will have its day, as the most trustworthy man I know is now on the job and gunning for the truth.’


The PM appeared to be referring to longtime ally and occasional nemesis Michael Gove, seen lurking ominously nearby.


The UK is widely expected to impose harsh economic consequences on Moscow in a bid to deter continued Russian belligerence in respect of Ukraine. Chancellor of the Exchequer Rishi Sunak was unavailable for comment, reportedly avoiding leaving 11 Downing Street for fear of being pictured near a sleazy nightclub next door that he claims to never have visited, or even been invited to.


Treasury sources voiced off-the-record discontent at writing off an estimated £4bn in business fraud loans whilst tearing up the budget to move the headlines on from the PM's birthday bash.

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